I wrote this post a week or two ago for the website 1000 Sex Tips.
TLDR: It’s easy for you to internalize sex positivity and turn it into pressure to have dramatically awesome sex all the time no matter how stressed and exhausted you are. It puts insane pressure on couples and can turn a special night into a dreaded chore.
Sex positivity is a wonderful, amazing societal turn we’re taking. Free love, sex shops, and sites like this are absolutely fabulous. Even for those that aren’t involved in these communities, the fact that they exist makes sex less taboo for everyone else.
However, it’s easy for you to internalize this positivity and turn it into pressure to have dramatically awesome sex all the time no matter how stressed and exhausted you are. It puts insane pressure on couples and can turn date night into a dreaded chore. So how do you balance being sex positive and not putting too much pressure on yourself or your partner?
Making sex OPTIONAL. Even on your anniversary. Even on your birthday. Even on the one night a month the kids are out of the house.
By making sex optional, no matter what the context, you free yourself to connect with your partner in whatever way is best for your body and mind in the moment. Then when sex does happen it comes from a place of real desire and passion and is FAR more pleasurable and orgasmic.
Have a conversation with your partner before the next time you “probably will have sex.” Don’t spring it on them at the last minute! It can be scary to go there, but even something simple like, “For our date night this week, is it ok if we try making sex optional? Sometimes I feel a lot of pressure which takes a lot of the fun out of it. I really want to connect with you as deeply as I can and for me that means taking the sexy pressure off. Is that ok with you?” works well. Then cook up some ideas of what you might want to do instead of penetrative sex.
There are lots of ways to “have sex.”
You can have a deep, real conversation. You can meditate in each other’s arms. You can snuggle and make silly faces at each other. You can make out. You can slowly trace each other’s skin, touching every inch over the course of an hour. You can do purely oral or foreplay. Do whatever feels good and brings intimacy and connection and don’t worry about labelling it.
If you or your partner isn’t sure about this, you can just try it for a week or two and see how it goes. If it doesn’t seem like a good fit you can always go back to your original dynamic.
For the person who feels pressure, this can be a huge relief. By taking away expectation and duty your sexual fire has air to breathe again. It’s counterintuitive, but by making sex optional not only are you more likely to have sex (and more of it) it’ll be far more pleasurable, present, and real than it otherwise would be. By trying things other than sex you may find new turn-ons and preferences that you otherwise never would have known you had!
For the person who wants sex more frequently, it can be hard to make your date night sex-optional, especially when it might be your main opportunity for sex. However, this is a beautiful gift to give your partner.
Not only will the sex be better when it does happen, because they’ll be more relaxed and open, you’ll discover all sorts of ways to connect with your partner without penetration. By expanding your sexual range, all your intimate moments will be much more creative, novel, and meaningful.
If this sounds good to you give it a shot and let me know how it goes! Just shoot an email to firstname.lastname@example.org to get in touch.